i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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