I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
