I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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