Soap is not a condiment
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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