Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
