Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
