Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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