I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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