the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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