Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
