Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
