yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
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