I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
