who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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