Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
