Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
