No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
