Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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