Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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