I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
