ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
