420 ftw
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
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