I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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