Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I accidentally burped into my bong.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
