I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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