I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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