just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
