just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
