since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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