why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
