If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Randomize
