I can text with my tongue
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
