Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
