I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
