I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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