awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
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