I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
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So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
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