My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I want a musical about memes.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
