maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
