So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
