Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
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Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
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I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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