im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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