yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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