i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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