I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
