oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
