Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
