so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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