totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
