M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
