So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
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