I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Bring me that man meat
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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