yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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