Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
