Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
