No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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