someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
