he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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