Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
