Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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